207. Control

[john_h_holliday]

Little has been given to me. Or rather, what was given to me has slowly been taken away, piece by piece. So I give – my life, my effort, my care, my thoughts, my beliefs, my trust, my love. Perhaps this is why I talk so much. I give not to receive, but that there might be giving in the world. I do not look or hope or ask but give. Because if there were no giving in the world, if it was dark not just from lack of light, but a lack of light from myself, I could not bear it. I’ve thought at times that it was example I was trying to set, but that is just trying to justify myself, though I need no justification. If I want something in the world, if I need it, if it would break my heart not to see it, I must put it there. Because that is what I can control. I cannot trust that somehow love will exist if I do not love. I cannot trust that giving will exist if I do not give. I cannot trust that anyone will remember if I do not. So I control the existence of love, giving, memory. Even if I may not claim them, the world is not dark. I am honourable for the sake of honour, am courteous and hold to virtue as best I may. Lately, only lately, I find I have given trust, that it may exist for you, if you doubt and need as I do. A gift. And in that I can ask, lately, only lately, for small things, for companionship, for conversation. I am trying to want, to enjoy pleasure. Bravely easing control. For what is enjoyed may be taken. If one receives love, rather than giving it, that too may be taken. If I dare to want the pleasure of your companionship, your thoughts, insight into your soul, I may be denied. I bravely ease control, leaving some of the world to you. And I find that I truly trust, and it is peaceful, and there is pleasure, and there is love.

Name: John H. Holliday, DDS.
Fandom: History.
Word Count: 350
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Nulli Virtute Secundus